Wednesday, 4 June 2014

I would judge me

I realised today that while I try to never say anything judgmental, and try to see everyone as individual, that as a human I make judgments.  I know, hardly rocket science, we all do this, but I hadn't realised the little ways I was doing so each day.

What prompted this? I was waiting for the lift in a car park. Waiting for the lift, with a great reason. Rather than taking the stairs as usual. And I watched others head to the stairwell to begin their climb, and felt a sudden need to justify my need for the lift. To explain that I am not lazy. That I'd take the stairs if I could, but that I can't just now.

Why did I feel this? I felt this need to justify my choice, my decision, because I have looked at others at times, as I walked towards the stairs. I have looked at them and wondered why they weren't taking the stairs. I know I do this, because I also try to work out a good reason for them to make this choice. A reason like they are pregnant, carrying lots of bags, older, frail, disabled. I do this as though I have a right to question this choice, as though I am superior, in a sense, than them if they take the lift when I take the stairs.

This bothers me. I would have judged me. I'm a relatively fit woman of mumble-mumble years (no embarrassment, just that I don't feel the need to share my age widely with people I may not know - there, I did it again!!) who is overweight, and I know if I had walked past someone like me I would have made a judgment. I would have wondered why they (I) didn't climb the stairs to add a little extra activity for the day, that they (me) looked like I could use the exercise and was probably being lazy.

Now at no point would I ever say this to someone, but I would have thought it. I'm not sure how I feel about this, except to say it embarrasses me. I take the stairs because, usually, I can. I see it as some activity to bookend a work day which can be too sedentary. I often walk at lunch for the same reason. These are my choices, and I'm glad I do this, but it isn't my place to judge anyone.

As an aside, my reason for not taking the stairs sucks. I won't share today because it would be like justifying my reason, explaining away to others, as though they have a right to question or judge me for my life choices. So I won't share this right now. I will however share this. I apologise to all whom I have judged harshly, even if only for a second. Even if I'm pretty sure they never knew about my judgment. And particularly if they did notice something about my glance. I'm sorry. I am going to work harder at focusing on my choices, being okay with my life, doing what feels good and right and fun and safe and worth it for me. I will do this so that I'm too busy working on myself to focus on judging others. Oh, and I'll try to not judge myself too harshly either.

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